Thursday, July 22, 2010
Sometimes I Wonder About My Own Sanity...
Do you remember that completely old school computer game of Minesweeper? Yeah, you just made me feel old. For those of you youngins, minesweeper was what kept us old folk entertained before Facebook and Twitter. That, along with solitaire and Oregon Trail, occupied a significant amount of my time growing up.
It's a game of logic. Basically, you have a grid on which a certain number of 'mines' are placed. Your job is to find them and flag them. If you don't, and you make the mistake of clicking on them it 'destroys' the board and YOU DIE. It's very bad and death like. It can be quite a tedious game at times, but throughly addicting.
Not completely connected but exceedingly relevant to this post is the fact that I have struggled for a good deal of my life with anxiety. As an adult I have better control over it than I did as a teenager, but it often gets the better of me. It stems from the fact that I am a quintessential perfectionist. (Seriously, I'm a freak.) I become irrationally upset about small things. I stay up all night worrying about situations and relationships that I can't change. I stop eating when I'm overwhelmed. I burst into tears with the slightest provocation. Basically,
I become a completely unreasonable mess.
(I pity the poor man who marries me. Talk about mood swings.)
As of late, my life has turned into one huge game of minesweeper. I feel as though I'm picking through a mess; wondering where I'm to find my next mine which will lead things to be bad and death like. It's the worst at work. I'm blindly clicking along, trying to flag the mines before they explode in my face, but more often then not I miss one. And that's the difficult part:
I never did like it when the whole board blew up.
And more often then not, the whole board blows up faster than I can handle. Whether or not the explosion is actually the result of a bad click or missed flag on my part, I still feel responsible. The tedious nature of the 'game' brings me to the brink of insanity.
And I don't particularly look good at the brink of insanity.