Monday, January 18, 2010

I'm goin' for broke, but I've got hope....

(WARNING...THIS IS LONG)


So usually I'm not very personal on  my blog. If something is published on the internet I just don't think it's right to spill my guts for other people to comment on, but if you'll all (all being the like 15 people who actually read this blog) forgive me, I'm going to get a little personal tonight, so if you're not in the mood for that, stop readin' right now. If you don't mind all that much, read on. 


Anyway, all of this leads up to a particular story. And this is where things get a little personal. Before my mission, there was a boy that I was hopelessly smitten with. I thought him to be practically perfect for me. During my mission, he proceeded to write me weekly, talking about the many things that we'd done before I left, things we'd do when I came home and telling  me how wonderful I was. As my mission came to a close, he wrote me one specific letter that hinted about dating when I came home. I was elated.In short, I was in love, which was a first for me. I was certain that the feeling was reciprocated (much like Marianne Dashwood in Sense and Sensibility, which should give you some hint as to the ending of this tale) though neither of us had uttered the exact words just yet. Upon coming home, the boy came to visit me and this particular visit practically cemented my hopes. We dated a little in the following weeks, and things seemed to be going along swimmingly. Then suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me. Everything abruptly and violently changed. He was dating someone else and I was out. After investing so much of myself into this person, I was devastated. The self value that the Lord had painstakingly taught me on my mission was forgotten as I convinced myself that if I wasn't worth his time, I wasn't worth anyone's time. I continued my friendship with him, but it was all very one sided and awkward. I shoved my feelings under the rug, convincing myself that it wasn't that big of a deal and I was perfectly happy.


As time has gone on, I have slowly and very sadly realized that I never dealt with how the situation affected me or the self destructive tendencies I developed as a result of my desire to "get over it" as quickly as possible. It's been just a little under 2 years since all this happened, and while I have gained an understanding of the Atonement in way I never thought possible, there are still parts of who I am that haven't quite bounced back. I don't realize why I make certain decisions (particularly in the area of dating) until someone (usually an excellent and inspired friend) questions my thought process. 


In any case, I had a realization today while listening to the following song:


Sway your head
Move your feet
Wake yourself from the sleep
If there's a day, there's a way
You can get yourself there
Golden smile, you got style
That they can't take away

Scream and shout, get it out
Before it swallows you
No surprise in these times
How it really gets through
All the walks and the thoughts
But can you break through?

You're alive
So alive
Now c'mon

You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
It's now or never
With the new day falling for you
You gotta believe
(Woah)

Build a plan, yes you can
You've got nothing to lose
Look around, up and down
What are you gonna choose?
Can you see the sunrise
That came up for you?

You're alive
So alive
Now c'mon

You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
It's now or never
With the new day calling for you
You gotta believe

You gotta pull yourself, back in the water
Take in one deep breath
You're getting closer
After all you've talked and seen
You gotta believe
(Woah)

Now I, I feel I'm getting better
Now I, my world is getting better

You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
It's now or never
With the new day falling for you
You gotta believe

You gotta pull yourself, back in the water
Take in one deep breath
You're getting closer
After all you've talked and seen
You gotta believe

On my 12th time through the song (I have a high tolerance for repeats), I realized that this song perfectly describes how I feel about that particularly messy heartbreak. I've used it as an excuse to hide, so petrified of feeling that heartache again. And while one realization won't make the trepidation, fear and anxiety go away, I was able to look back and see how I had changed, and to finally come to a new understanding of what I needed to do in my life. So, in short. I'm goin' for broke, but I've got hope. 

9 comments:

Emily said...

Times like that are so hard!!! Right before I met David I had the exact thing happen to me only he was the RM. He went as far as asking my dad to marry me then as you said pulled the rug out from under my life long dream( we were family friends and I'd liked him since I was 5). He entered the dating scene within days which hurt and made my self worth also suffer. I stayed home sad and depressed for a month, then I met David! I'm so glad that I didn't marry the other guy because he had so serious issues. He and David had similar personalities which are unique I strongly believe that I had to date him first to learn to love. Hardest trial I was ever given but so thankful for the growth. Sorry you had to go through it but it'll just make Mr. Right that much better!!

Corey said...

To a degree I understand your pain. Stay strong cuz!!

Cathie said...

What that boy did is what my friend calls "jerking your chain." It manifests in many forms--I put up with it from a stupid boy for two years before I met Adam. And now I'm like, "Why did I waste my time on someone who didn't even make me happy?"

And it's nice to know I'm not the only one who listens to the same song over and over!

Amy said...

Goin' for broke and havin' hope is a dang good place to be if you ask me.

As a side note that guy was crazy - he would've been the luckiest man alive. :)

PS I hope it's OK that I read this....I was more intrigued when you said it was personal and now I kinda feel like a creepy stalker - bottom line I think you're great and you deserve to be happy. And you can be.

Kim said...

I'm so sorry, Mal. I wish I had the right thing to say. Recently someone told me that heartbreak is a part of life and that it helps us appreciate the good... that didn't help me at all. So, just know that I care about you. I think you're intelligent, patient, caring, thoughtful, and beautiful. Josh has a friend that we've thought about setting up. I have a lot of single friends, but Josh always comes back to you (because of the qualities I've mentioned above). Then I always say, "But, Mal's too smart for him" (sad, but true). So I guess it boils down to finding the right match. If you're interested in dating a total stranger sometime, let me know! (He's not dumb, he just can't speak with correct grammar... ever). Love you, Mal!

Liz said...

that song is an anthem for any sad situation, i love it! i think the hardest part of life and romance is admitting that you're still not over something or haven't dealt with it in the most appropriate way that enables a person to fully move on. it's only when we admit that something's wrong that we can receive help, via a blog and friend comments or even through the Atonement. you're well on your way to getting over the lame kid and you're gonna be great. :)

Whitney and Lish Harris said...

I remember when you went through that. I'm so glad you've changed your outlook. You're pretty much amazing and I love you!

Laura said...

Mal,
My heart hurts for you and that yucky situation. Even after many years and marrying a wonderful guy, I still remember those feelings so well and I'm so sorry that you had to endure them. You are such a strong woman, and I'm glad that you're in the place you are now. That experience will be a blessing to future relationships that you have, I'm sure of it :)

Megan said...

Mal-I have always told you that you are strong. You have always impressed me with your strength and faith in the gospel. You impress me everyday! I miss ya girl, we really need to hang out!

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