Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"Although how can you know who you are till you know what you want?"

I've never been a champion decision maker. Ask anyone who knows me well. I don't like picking movies, restaurants, clothes, music, or what to do on a Friday night. You name it. It's not usually a problem of not knowing what I want; it's a problem of being the classic people pleaser. I just want everyone to be happy, even if it means that I'm not always happy. This doesn't mean that I never make choices. I do; all the time. For example, just this morning I decided to wear my khakis instead of my gray dress pants. See? I can make decisions. You can clap for me now.
I just don't like making the life-altering-move-half-way-across-the-country-decisions. 
Just for the record, I did get into Teach for America. 
Hold your shouts of jubilation for a moment because I turned the job down. 
Don't yell at me!!
It wasn't an easy choice. Especially for a girl who hates making huge decisions. Here's the thing, people: the closer it came to finding out whether I had been accepted or not, the more that I hoped and prayed that I had been rejected. This is not a normal reaction when one has the chance at their "dream" job. I was a little ill about the whole thing. Me being me, I just figured that it was the stress of waiting (I've never been known to be a patient person) and that I'd feel better about it when I knew if I got in or not. About a week ago, I was chatting with one of my favorite chatting buddies, Sara (also know as my own personal Theatre Fairy) and I came to a realization: I applied for TFA because I felt like that was the only option I had as far as a full-time, fulfilling job goes upon my graduation from the U. I loved Salt Lake and didn't really want to move away. I have a life here. Friends. A schedule. I didn't WANT to leave. That very night I prayed harder than I ever had that TFA wouldn't accept me. Especially now that I had decided what I thought I wanted to do. In the next 4 days, two amazing potential job opportunities opened up. Things that I was interested in pursuing. 
Then the day came. The dreaded day of April 4th. The day TFA was going to reject me. I was so sure that I wouldn't get in because I'd already made my decision. Learning process over, right? 
Wrong, my dear readers. Wrong.
 When I opened that acceptance letter, I bawled my lovely blue eyes out. 
I realized that was probably a bad sign.
A huge part of the bawling had to do with the fact that I now had to make a huge, potentially life changing decision. I hate life changing decisions. There's just SO much pressure involved in making them. And pressure gives me migraines. I soon realized, though, that this was not something that I could hide from or push off onto someone else's plate. It was time for me to make my own choice and to determine exactly what I wanted.
Armed with the essentials: a Diet Coke, my cell phone (to call my mom, Aubrie or Sara the Theatre Fairy, all of whom help me make huge decisions) my scriptures, and a whole lot of tissues, I set out to do it.  
I was determined to make a choice based on what was best for me, even though I despise making choices like this one. It reminds me of one of the songs from Into the Woods, where Cinderella is talking about standing on the steps of the palace and how she doesn't want to make the choice about the prince so she chooses not to decide. That's usually  how I roll. Let the circumstances make the decision for me. But not this time. Because just like Cinderella says, "How can you know who you are till you know what you want?" (See! Everything you need to know in life can be learned from a musical.)
And I have decided what I want. 
I want to stay in Salt Lake, close to my family, in a city that I love, with friends that I adore because to be honest: I am happy here. 
Why fix something that's not broken?
So. Whether you think I'm crazy or I'm sane doesn't matter because I made the decision for myself. 


Amy said...

This just makes me so so so SO happy for you. A thousand times over. Congratulations!

Baby Sister said...

I hate making decisions too. Although it sounds like you made the right decision. :) Congrats!!

Jessica and Reecey said...

It's so funny, because we just went through a similar experience with trying to choose a grad school. It turns out, I'm content to be where my family and friends are for another two years, despite the fact that I hate Utah winters and am craving an out-of-state adventure.

Congrats on the big decision! I, for one, am thrilled that you'll still be in Utah. Now let's put together that Gilmore Girls night that we always talk about!

Whitney and Lish Harris said...

I'm proud of you! I can't imagine how hard that would've been, but I'm glad you made the decision that was best for you. I'm so happy for you!

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