Tuesday, May 17, 2011
"I hold on to worry, so tight. It's safe in here right next to my heart."
"I never want to worry again. It's exhausting and draining. It's counterproductive. It's poisonous and toxic. And I can't do it anymore. Obviously, there will always be stressful things, and you have to react to stressful situations, but you don't have to turn those scenarios over and over again in your head to the point where you truly believe any possible outcome will be the worst thing to ever happen in the history of the world. Obviously I'm exaggerating a little, but just a little." --Jasmine from An Experiment in Poverty
Can we be honest for just a minute? No judging eyes, deal? Okay, here goes: I worry. A lot. I've written about it before. I worry about all sorts of things from the ridiculous (falling down a set of stairs) to the rational (finding a full time job). Sometimes worry is a good thing. It can motivate me to get up out of my green chair and stop watching Spooks to clean my house or go grocery shopping or apply for jobs. Worry can motivate me to take my car into the shop when it makes that weird noise when I push on the gas pedal. Worry means that I don't eat cheeseburgers, ice cream or drink regular milk. It means that I keep all my doors locked at night and leave a light on when I leave the house at night.
See. A particular kind of worry can be a good thing.
The kind of worry that I've had going on lately hasn't exactly been the good kind. It's been the keep yourself-up-at-night-chewing-off-your-fingernails-give-yourself-a-massive-headache kind of worry. Unfortunately, that's my worry of choice. It's something that I've done since I was a little kid. I guess you could say that I'm wound a little...er, tight, I suppose (if that's a surprise to you, you don't know me at all). I won't lie to you. As exciting as college graduation was (and it was), it has me wound all sorts of tight. I'm now going to vent right here, right now the things (ridiculous to rational) that I'm worried about:
-Finding a job that I actually enjoy that's right for me.
-Paying off my student loans.
-Finding a place to live when I move out of my grandma's house.
-That I'm not doing all of the things that I should to be a good person.
- That I'll never find anything useful to do with my degree.
-I'll never get married because I'm too scared to talk to new people.
-I'm not a good enough example to my siblings.
-I'll never be able to make things right with my brother, no matter how hard I try.
(Now imagine me dusting off my hands)
Alright. That's over with now. I'm taking a deep breath and from here on out, I'm going to do my best not to worry. Just like Jasmine says, it's counterproductive. So this is me letting go of some of that ridiculous worry, blog world. When there's nothing that I can do to change a situation, there's no point in worrying. I am, here and now, making the conscious decision to worry less and enjoy life more.
Join me, won't you?