Side Effects of Being An Assistant...

First off, you all should know that I'm a horrible person. As long as we have that established, you can read on.

Because of my job, I attend a lot of meetings. I take notes. I bring coffee. I make copies. I give brilliant suggestions that make the entire room gasp in admiration and appreciation. (One of these things is not like the other...) Basically, I'm Pam from The Office, minus the whole Jim situation. Unfortunately.

Anyway, because I studied history, I'm a fantastic note taker. No joke. It's one of my superpowers. My last semester of school, I was paid to take notes in one of my classes. It was delightful. I basically got paid to go to class. But again, I digress. As I'm sitting in these meetings, (many of which are incredibly boring), I tend to people watch. I do this because I can take a minimal amount of notes and still recall most of what was said. (See? Superpower, baby!) In all of my observing, I've noticed that there are a few different kinds of meeting goers. For your express enjoyment, I will separate them into categories:

- The Bobble Head: This particular specimen is always a pleasure to observe. Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about. This is the co-worker who is constantly nodding their head along with whomever may be speaking, constantly making earnest eye contact so as to make the speaker feel validated. Now, a nod every now and again to agree with a well chosen point is always a good thing. But a Bobble Head has a tendency to nod for the entire duration of the meeting. What is actually being said is of no consequence, a Bobble Head will continue to nod even if you suggest that Martians are going to take over the company and all human jobs will be outsourced to Jupiter. Resist the urge to hold their head still for them. It could lead to some awkward water cooler conversations.

-The Paper Shuffler: The Paper Shuffler or PS has a tendency, exactly as their identifier suggests, to unnecessarily move their papers around. And around and around. It has been suggested by professionals that if you have a PS in your midst it's a-okay to skip them when giving out the meeting's hand outs. You may want to conveniently run out of meeting agendas. It'll save you the time and the sanity.

-The Note Taker:  That guy who sits in the corner, furiously scribbling down every blessed word that anyone says (particularly the boss)? At times you wonder if you see smoke rising gently from underneath the tip of his pen? To be honest, you probably can. The Note Taker will probably be able to recite entire conversations after the fact. Unfortunately for him, it has nothing to do with a superpower. Be sure to have an extra writing utensil close at hand just in case the Note Taker's stops working. You wouldn't to deal with the meltdown.

-The Daydreamer: You know that girl who stares out the window the entire meeting? What? There's no window in your conference room? Okay, fine. A Daydreamer will stare at a blank wall. They also have the tendency to make comments completely unrelated to the current topic. Every now and again, you might want to bump their arm to keep them moderately engaged.

-The Fidgeter: Meetings that contain a fidgeter are particularly difficult for me. It takes all of the very small amount of self-control that I possess not the dive across the table and yank the pen, paperclip, small piece of paper or cell phone out of a figeter's hand and throw it across the room. That wouldn't cause much of a scene would it?

and last but not least...

-The Interrupter: This particular breed of meeting goer is among the most deadly. They make it incredibly difficult to get a word in edgewise and frequently starts sentences with "I did that last week" and "I think that somebody should get on that" or "I think that sending Mallorie to England is a lovely idea" (Okay, maybe not so much that last one). Often, the Interrupter (or Humanus Interruptus) will do their best to change the entire topic of discussion, bringing everything back to their "accomplishments" or "contributions". You may want to grab the Fidgeter's pencil and shove it in their eye. Do NOT resist this temptation. It will be for the good and  betterment of all.

El fin, the end... (day 30)

(Um, hi. It's me. Don't forget to vote in my poll, right -----> there. Kthanksbye!)

I made the picture small so as not to frighten little children or my readers. This is from Sunday night, not today, but I didn't have time to take a picture today. Don't judge. 

Now that I've driven you all away with my scariness, I'll tell you three good things that have happened to me in the past. 

1) My freaking awesome jobs. Yes, that's right. I get paid to watch football in the fall and then I get paid to talk about something that I LOVE with students that I love. Can't get better than that.

b) Discovering Jane Austen. My life is richer for it. Truly.

thirdly) My brilliant discovery of my love for pointy toed heels. Love it.

A little randomness for your viewing pleasure...

-I decided at 2:00 this morning why I love Jane Austen/Elizabeth Gaskel movies and books so much more then most of the modern day crap that comes out: the characters in Jane and Elizabeth's novels actually take time to really fall in love, none of this meeting on the street and falling for each other in like 10 seconds. Honestly though. I mean, yes Margaret Hale and John Thornton had a mutual dislike for one another in the beginning, but it all turned out great, now didn't it? Mr. Darcy may not exist in real life, but the idea that it takes longer then 4 seconds to decide whether or not to spend the rest of your life with someone does. (This was also part of a very bad reaction to a terrible movie with Jennifer Lopez and Alex O'Loughlin. It was epically bad.)

-I will never understand why when I'm on my way to work and I'm in a hurry I hit every single red light, but when I need to put on my make up or eat my dinner on my way to work it's green lights all the way. Doesn't karma understand that a girl's gotta eat?

-It drives me absolutely crazy when people from out of town complain about the weather in Utah. If you hate it so much then just leave. We like all four of our seasons here, thank you very much.

-I caved. I know that I usually don't listen to Christmas music until Thanksgiving is pretty much over, but I had a pretty dreary week and just couldn't take it anymore. The sweet sounds of the Reliant K Christmas album have been filling my car on a regular basis.

-Let it be known in the Verse that I hate making big decisions. I love to dream up fantastic stuff to do, but ask me to decide between two or more dreams? I'm ready to pull my hair out.

-While I'm a fan of all the classical Disney princesses, my favorite by far and away is Mulan. She's so freaking awesome. And she can kick people's trash. None of this waiting in a tower for someone to climb her hair/bring back her lost shoe/kiss her awake. She's 112% awesome.

-I am turning into an old woman. I've been going to bed at 9 pm and I love it more then anything.

-After an unusually bad math exam yesterday, I told my mom that I wanted to call my professor a sadistic whore. Lucky for me, she reminded me that doing so would get rid of all of my karma chips and cancel out all the prayers that I'll pass the class. Thanks for the perspective, Mom.

-After tutoring for almost 2 years, I've decided that I don't want to marry an athlete. I know what kinds of things they do and say when 'no one' is around.

Sometimes...

...I watch Star Wars and remember how much I love Obi Wan and Yoda...and Hayden Christensen...and Ewan McGregor...and light saber fighting. Okay, pretty much all of it.

...I get paid to watch football and I love it. (53 point blow out, anyone? I love my boys.)

...I drink way too much Diet Coke while I'm at work and then I stay up all night watching Bones.

...I have crazy dreams where I spend all night organizing and then I wake up tired.

...I have 'bad' days. And by bad days I mean I have days where my control freak self takes over my brain and I become the ultimate perfectionist and I can't look in the mirror. Today was one of those days.

...I say whatever comes to mind. Like when I was doing math homework with Sara and a particularly difficult problem came up on the screen, I stared at it and in a completely monotone voice said, "I am now paralyzed by fear." Or when Megan and I were watching Star Wars: Episode II and we were at the scene where Anakin and Padme were being taken into the arena by Dooku's minions (the part that Padme tells Anakin that she loves him? Remember?) They're pretty sure that they're going to die, which is why she cheesily confesses her undying love and devotion to the future Darth Vader. I looked straight at the screen and said, "Don't worry. You'll make babies." That might have been inappropriate, but I had been at work for 9 hours which means that I run my mouth off.

...I judge people by their email addresses. I didn't really think about how often I did this until I was talking with a friend and we were most definitely making fun of some girl for her cheese ball email address.

...I let my books overtake my room. Honestly, I'd move my bed out and sleep on the books if I had to. I love them.

...I realize that I'm graduating in May and that I have absolutely no clue what I should do next in my life. I know what I want the end result to be, but how in heaven's name am I going to get myself there.

...it's hard for me that one of my younger siblings is married and has a baby and another (who just came home from his mission) is looking at getting married this spring.

...People are so sappy about their spouses-to-be that I throw up a little in my mouth and I have to hide their status updates on Facebook because reading them makes me want to break valuable things or punch small innocent creatures.

...I sleep at the other end of my bed. Just to mix things up.

...I buy nail polish. Lots of it. I love painting my nails.

...I listen to Toby Lightman. And I love her.

...I enjoy community theatre. A lot.

...I write on my hand even when there's perfectly good paper available. It just seems more 'green'.

A conversation...

Me: I basically wrote the whole paragraph for you!

Student: I put my two cents in.

Me: Yeah right,those are all my words.

Student: Yeah, but they're delicious!

I love my job.

BEST THING ONE OF MY STUDENTS HAS EVER DONE...

As anyone who reads this blog knows, my students are hilarious. No, honestly, they are. Remember when I asked a group of them where Berlin was and they said South Korea?  Today I was working with the basketball player that I mentor and I pulled out a pack of gum. Let me just tell you this: since beginning my tenure as a tutor I have gone through more gum then any normal person. Every time I pull the pack out one of my guys gives me the puppy dog eyes and says, "Can I have some?" and I, being the total push over that I am, hand the package over. Last night I went through half of a brand spanking new package of gum because a bunch of guys from the football team happened to be in the room when I opened it. Anyway, this afternoon, I pulled my gum out of my backpack while helping Dom write a paper. While unwrapping my minty goodness, I mentioned that one of my other students told me that the wrapper on Stride gum (my gum of choice) was edible. After considering what I said, Dom asked for a piece of gum.I handed him one and then I turned around to throw my wrapper away; upon turning back around I noticed that Dom had the gum, unchomped but open in his hand, but his wrapper was suspiciously missing. I then realized something simple, but fundamental: never tell a 19 year old that something is edible. They will invariabley try and eat whatever it is. Oh yes my friends, he was eating the wrapper. When I told him that he was supposed to eat the gum and the wrapper together, he pulled the soggy wrapper out of his mouth and smashed it together with his unchewed gum. When I told  him that the student who had originally shared this wrapper theory with me was from Texas, he exclaimed: "So he eats the wrapper because he's from Texas! I'm from California! Where I come from you either throw the wrapper in the garbage or on the ground!!" When I asked him why he even tried it, he replied, "You knew I would as soon as you gave me the gum!" Apparently, that had been my evil plan all along. Who knew that 19 year olds and 4 year olds had so much in common?

Sometimes...(The Teaching Edition)

...my students say ridiculous things. Like when I ask them where Berlin is and I get answers such as South Korea, Russia, Britain, the United States, France... you get the picture.

...I collect students. As in I let my boys go get a drink or walk around a little bit for a break and they bring back friends. And then the coaches get grouchy because I have a big group of students in my room and the other tutors don't have as many.

...when I use the nickname LBJ for President Lyndon B. Johnson my students think that I mean Lebron James and call the President 'The King' for the rest of class.

...I have to bribe my kids with Scooby snacks. Yes, I'm talking about the fruit snacks with the face of Scooby-Doo. They work.

...I feel tiny. Seriously. All of these guys are huge and there's short little me in the middle of all of them, jumping around trying to get them to pay attention.

...I enjoy writing on my board. Even when I spell things wrong.

...My guys talk about Blue Bell ice cream and I spend the rest of the day craving it.

...I can't understand what my southern guys say because their accents are so thick. I love it.

and last but not least,

...when Beth (the director of the study hall) tells the boys to split into groups of 2 and pick a tutor, I end up with 5 guys standing next to me all claiming that I am THEIR tutor.

I love my job. 

Sometimes...

...I crave chocolate chip cookies.

...I get a little too emotionally attached to characters in TV shows. (I *might* have cried a little when Rory told Logan that she couldn't marry him and when I found out Booth had a brain tumor.)

...I listen to the same song over and over again. Right now it's Renegade by Styx. Before that it was Sway Your Head by We Shot the Moon. I have an incredibly high tolerance for repeats. 

...I talk to myself. I never answer, but if I'm alone I definitely talk to myself.

...growing up sounds fun, other days I wish I could be a little kid again.

...I want to write novels.

...I don't read the whole book but still get an excellent grade on the book review which I wrote in a couple of hours for class.

...rain makes me happy.

...I sleep until the last possible second, even if it means that I look scary.com for school.

...I make up words. Mostly with Aubrie's help, slickery being one of our favorites.

...my mom says that I should start my own card making business. I love making thank you cards, invitations and birthday cards by hand.

...I wish I lived in a Jane Austen novel.

...I love mysteries. 

...I mock wedding announcements. Wollschy and I have joked about starting a business to tell people whether or not their announcements were ugly before they sent them out.

...I just wish that I could close my eyes have have life fast forward like it does in movies. Then I could skip all the parts that I don't like, just like I do in movies. 

...super amazing things happen while I'm at work. Case in point: Today, I'm working a super fancy, shmancy event. They have a display of White House china from many of the Presidents of the United States. Not only did I get to see that, but when I told the guy who owns the collection that I'm  a history major, he pulled a small blue box out of his pocket. From the box, he pulled out a silver chain. He told me, "Now just as a chain that means nothing. But when I tell you that this is the watch chain that the Prophet Joseph Smith gave to his brother Hyrum, that Hyrum wore to Carthage, it means something." I just stared at the chain in my hand before handing it back. "That's real history," he said.

Photographic Proof that My Job Rocks...

Oh blog friends. We have discussed how freaking awesome my job is many many times before, but today, I bring you photographic, empirical evidence. 
SO.

Because we do check-in for football games and such, and because the West Regional Basketball Semi-Finals were in Salt Lake this year, I was generously given the opportunity to work at the K State/Xavier game tonight and let me tell you, it was one freaking amazing game. I tell you what. I was three rows back, right behind the K-State cheerleaders, which turned out to be fortuitous because I decided to cheer for K-State (and anyone who beats BYU). So, here's my evidence.... Are you ready for this?

So this is the view from my seat, while Xavier was shooting a free throw. I'm fairly sure that is Roy Holloway (who, let's be honest was really really good looking) getting ready to shoot. He was INCREDIBLE!

 This is Sarah and i enjoying our stinkin' awesome seats. Yes, I'm cheesing it hardcore. Also pictured are our flight attendant uniforms aka the outfits given to us by the NCAA that made us look very much like flight attendants. I spent half my night feeling like I should be directing people to the exits. 

 This is a very tired looking me showing you, blog friends, that I had an all access pass to the NCAA West Regionals 2010 Championships. Yes, I know. I'm cooler then you could ever hope to be because of my incredible job. You can clap and bow to me later, right now, I need a nap. 

Reason #1272 why I love my job...

Because yesterday whilst tutoring a fabulous football player

I was able to relate hierarchical government 

to

FOOTBALL.

And it was epic.

After doing so, it was amazing to watch his face as he understood and I was once again reminded why I love to teach.