A smallish rant or two...

So this morning, as I was doing my regular perusing of the interwebs before getting down to business (ba ha ha, that's funny since I work at the business school. Get it? Sometimes I just crack myself up), I found this  article from clear back in November before that 8th and final Harry Potter movie came out on DVD.

Before you start guessing, I'm not really upset by the fact that Rowling thought seriously about killing Ron. I mean, he's lovely and all, but it wouldn't have been the end of my world. What just drives me nuts is the comments. I only read a few of the over 2,000 but if one more person mentioned how the "movies would have played out differently without Ron" then I was going to scream. And not a nice little dainty scream. A break-the-glass-help-someone-is-trying-to-kill-me scream. Yes, dear tech smothered generation, the movies would have played out differently but ONLY because they were based on these lovely things called books, which definitely would have turned out differently without Ron. Read one. It might help you learn about cause and effect.

And scene.

Overheard @ the Mecham Family Thanksgiving....

My family is hilarious. Don't believe me? Read on. 

Side note, as well as potentially useful information: we had a couple of kids who are from New York where my little brother served his LDS mission come to visit for the weekend, J.R. and Mike. They are prominently featured in this piece.

Mama Mecham: "I didn't make a Jello salad for dinner tomorrow. Do you think that's okay?"

Me: "Mom, just because we live in Utah does not mean you need to make a Jello."

Me: "Yeah, they called it Little Tijuana."

J.R.: "What is Tijuana?"

While watching the Texas/Texas A&M game on Thanksgiving.

Mama: "Stop. We only touch our own butts."

During a game of Phase 10 which got so intense that Mama Mecham came down from her cozy bed to moderate.

Mama Mecham: "It's okay, J.R. Some days you wake up in the morning and think, 'Today, I'm just not a winner.'"

Same intense game of Phase 10, but now Papa Mecham is playing...

J.R.: (Insert snarky comment to Mal here)

Papa Mecham lays down a skip card: I protect my young.

Cramin: It's okay, J.R. is a mentally abused shut in.

As we were making deviled eggs. Mama was clearing the eggs shells as we peeled them..

Squeegee: (Looking into her bowl, panicked) "Where did my egg shells go?!"

Mike: "Yeah, last week while he was waiting in line for a basketball game, he made me bring him a sweatshirt."

Cramin: "So basically you're not his roommate, you're his mom?"

J.R.: "I was freezing! And I met him half way!"

Mike: "Yeah, not really..."

While playing a game of electronic Life.

Karlie, reading from her Life card: "Choose another player to be in a band with you."

J.R.: "Ohhhh! Pick me!!"

Mike: "Why would you pick him! He doesn't even play an instrument!! I play the bag pipes!"

J.R.: "Yeah, like that's useful in a band!"

Was your Thanksgiving as entertaining as mine?

A conversation...

Me: I basically wrote the whole paragraph for you!

Student: I put my two cents in.

Me: Yeah right,those are all my words.

Student: Yeah, but they're delicious!

I love my job.

Menace to Society...

So. Last night I went home to good old PG for dinner because, during the school year, I don't really see my family all that often. I mean, sure, they only live forty-five minutes away, but I work on afternoon/evenings on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Friday is insert current nerd obsession here night with Megan and during the fall Saturday = football. Because of church stuff my Monday nights are also gone. Anyway, you get the picture. Since I got off work a little early last night due to a massive headache (apparently I looked like I was on drugs...at least according to my student) I decided to pop a couple of Excedrine and drive myself on down there. While eating dinner with my family the subject of my glaringly single status came up. I, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the topic, made some joke about being past all hope of getting married. I mean, come on. I'm 25 (Please note the HEAVY sarcasm) and I managed to live in Provo for 3 years without becoming eternally attached to anyone. That, my dears, is a feat of sideshow proportions. Lucky for me, I made a couple of jokes at my own expense and then the subject was dropped. I didn't really think too much about it again until I read a blog this morning where a newly married girl of 22 began to whine about how she was turning 23 soon and what is a 23 year old to do?! Apparently, according to her, when you're 23 you're supposed to have babies.
Lots of them.
I began to laugh to myself.
 At 23, I was: 
managing an apartment complex, taking 14 credits at school, going dancing with my roommates on the weekend, helping Chels plan her wedding, buying clothes all too often and staying up all night watching movies.
Please do not read this as a bitter diatribe of a single girl who, in Mormon culture, has reached the level of spinster. It's not. Trust me. I could give you one, but I'm not bitter so it would mostly be about stupid people and the dumb things they say to me. (My new favorite, said by a girl in my ward is perpetually unhappy about life: "Have you ever even BEEN in a relationship?" Is there something odious about me that would send of vibes that I've never been in a relationship? Honestly!)
The more I thought about that particular blog post, the happier I became with my current life situation. Don't get me wrong, if Captain Kirk were to come along and sweep into the Enterprise to fly off in the glow of a supernova (silly, they don't have sunsets in space),
you wouldn't hear a word of complaint from this girl. 
But as that has not happened, I simply refuse to waste my time.
I'm not going to pretend that I don't have crappy days where I listen to sappy music and cry a little wondering what's wrong with me. I do (though I don't really care for crying. It tends to give me a headache), but it's a lamesauce waste of my precious, valuable and freaking awesome time to freak like that on a regular basis.
So behold, a list of things that I will accomplish in my life:

-Eat a bagel on the lower east side of New York City
-Stand at the top of the Eiffel Tower
-Read Pride and Prejudice while walking through the English countryside
-See a Broadway show
-Graduate from college
-Take the GRE
-Get a master's degree
-Make a quilt all by my lonesome without having to bother my mother to help me
-Get another paper published
-Milk a cow
-Ride in a hot air balloon
-Swim in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Hawaii
That's all I'm willing to share currently, lest you steal all of my ideas and do them before I can. 

To Continue My Reality TV Rant..

So, I'm stuck at work tonight because there's a wedding (which I volunteered to work because I knew it would be gorgeous because this creative girl is the bride, and trust me, it lived up to my expectations. She's incredible!) and I've been watching reruns of The Bachelorette (because that's what I do when I'm working on Saturday nights). As I'm watching 25 guys fall all over themselves to date Ali, I am completely flummoxed at some of the things these guys say to Ali and to the camera. How can they know after 2 hours that they're in love with her? And what possess them to say things like "I think that I have the best personality in the house" and "(Insert name here) is definitely here for the wrong reasons. You can just tell" or my personal favorite, after 10 minutes of talking to her, "This is the girl that I want to marry". ARE YOU SERIOUS?! 

On what planet is that okay? 

It's like that moment in Twilight when Bella finds out that Edward has been watching her sleep. In the normal world, (like the one I happen to inhabit) a girl would find that absolutely creepy; but in the book? Bella falls all over him because it's supposed to be adorable. What is this world coming to? Maybe this is why I'm still single: I don't want a stalker who watches me sleep from the corner of my room or that says horribly creepy things to me within minutes of making my acquaintance. 

If that's the case? 

Bring on the single life.


(Also, I don't think it's fair that Ali got a private performance by Jamie Cullum. She probably didn't even know who he was before that episode. Such a waste!)

Sometimes...

...people say absolutely appallingly awkward things to me. It's true. Every time it happens, I file it away just in case I'm ever in need of an excellent anecdote or I'm out of ideas as to what to post on my blog. So, my dear readers, here are a few of them:

"It's okay. You'll make a really good step mom to someone's kids." (Said to me by a roommate who was trying to comfort me when I had my heart totally crushed a while back.)

"So, Mallorie, when are you going to get pregnant?" (No. I'm not kidding. This gem comes from my sister-in-law's baby shower.)

"So how come you're not married yet?" (Every single girl on the planet has been asked this question at least once. And every time it happens, I want to backhand the person because it's none of their dang business!!)

"In my day, only ugly girls who couldn't get married went on missions." (This from the mouth of my mission president. I do not jest. Said in the middle of Zone Conference no less.)

"Wow. Your legs are really really white." (Isn't my boss such a sweet person? It was even better when I told her to get used to it, they'd be this color all summer. Not for lack of trying, just lack of my skin's ability to be anything but glaringly white.)

"So how's married life?" (Said to me by a member of our home ward one day a couple months after I came home from my mission. Imagine the awkwardness which ensued when I had to explain that I was not or ever had been married.)

Those are just the few that I can think of right now. I'm sure that this list will inevitably grow the longer that I'm a) single, b) a girl and c) white as a ghost. If you're looking for an even better laugh, check this out. It makes me giggle every time.

"Has your soul been taken over by caffeinated space aliens?"

I love love quotes. Sometimes, I'd rather quote someone else then use my own words because I cannot think of anything that will better explain a situation. I also have a habit of writing down funny things that other people say. Here are a few things that I've heard lately:


While standing in front of the big windows at work:
"It's an HDSLC day." -Leif
"What?"-Me
"An high definition Salt Lake City day. You can see everything!"-Leif


"I deserve Arctic Circle!" -Dave, after changing the toner in the copier


"I really like you." -Kelsea to Liz after she flicked her hair band at Kirk on accident


"I could say, 'I'm naked right now' and no one would care!" -A friend who shall not be named, complaining about now no one comments on her Facebook status


"Hitler never did anything to me! I'm white and blonde." -Liz


"I need my Fun and Splash hot tub!" -Life Size, but often repeated by Karlie and I to each other.


"England, as you know of course, is small." -My Colonial America professor last semester


"Touchdown, baby!" -My 10 year old brother, every single time anyone cheered during the Superbowl


"He's really socially awkward so he has to go to a play therapist..." -My sister, about one of her students

"I think on the Oxygen channel in the morning, there's a guy who does that..." -My home teacher, talking about Pilates (he's mechanic...and knows about the Oxygen channel. Don't tell me that's not funny.)


Your turn...

A few things I'll never understand Part 3... (ie the University of Utah edition)

*That when I got out of my car this morning on campus, the girl that got out of the car next to me was wearing a mini skirt...in the snow. Granted she was wearing tights, but still! I looked like the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man reincarnated and she looked like a super model. At least I was warm.

*That leads me to my next point. SNOW. In October. Don't get me wrong. I adore snow. I pray for it. But at least let me enjoy fall before you start to slush up the road and freeze me out. I need time to gear up for it.

*How when I'm taking notes in class and I'm not sure of the spelling, I sometimes expect a little red line to appear underneath the word, signifying that it's been spelled incorrectly. I blame this on being a product of the computer age.

*Why anyone would actually CHOOSE to smoke outside (I don't get why anyone would choose to smoke, inside or out either). I know it's the law and everything, but it's about 32 degrees outside. That cannot be pleasurable.

*Those annoying people who walk around campus and hand you stupid flyers about things like naked acapella (true story, I saw a flyer for it on Harvard campus when I was in high school) or a protest against vegans (that one I made up). No one really wants them. Don't waste your time out in the cold.

*Why afore mentioned people needed to be in the library yesterday, insisting on handing me stupid little cards about making $15 an hour when you know full well that there's a catch.

*In continuing with this particular part of my rant, I don't understand why the library floor on the 3rd story of the library must be made out of polished marble. As you well know, when polished marble is wet, it's slickery. This combined with my desire to get away from the annoying card handing out people and my no traction shoes lead me to slip and fall in front of the entire library. As a result, I have a bruise on my left knee the size of an orange. It's gross.

And last but not least,

*Why the boys that are currently studying anatomy behind me can't keep their voices down while attempting to memorize that parts of the prostate. I'm not even joking.