Tellin' it like it is...

Here's the thing:

girls aren't as complicated as guys seem to think we are. 

For the most part, we just want life to be like a good Taylor Swift song or the end of a John Hughes movie. It's not that difficult. What it comes down to is this: we don't want to have to do all the work. I mean, please. We're already required to do our hair, put on makeup, smell good, and walk in heels without falling over. Most of us are even willing to be sparkling and witty as well as watching approved sporting events with you (no WWE wrestling for this girl though I'll happily sit through a Red Sox game or any college football game). For the deserving, I'd even be willing to make a sandwich. Hell, if I really like you, I'll make you dinner.

And what do we ask in return for all of this? A date. Not a lifetime commitment. Just a simple date. How is this concept so difficult to grasp? What? You're not sure if a girl likes you? ASK HER OUT. You don't know if you can hold a conversation with her for an entire date? ASK HER ON A WALK. You're poor? Let me tell you this: she doesn't care if you spend tons of money. Most girls just want to be asked out by a nice guy who will open their door for them when they get in the car.

 It's some sort of insane stereotype that girls automatically jump from a simple date to forever. Yeah, our minds work a mile a minute but we're not planning out eternity and we most definitely wait until at least the third date to pick out names for our kids (if you didn't catch the massive sarcasm there, you're in trouble). It's just part of our process.

Sometimes, things just don't work out. Sometimes you don't click. Sometimes you like her and she doesn't like you. Or vice versa. But how in heaven's name will you ever know if you don't go on a date?! Also? For the record? Hanging out does NOT count as a date. If you need clarification, ask your parents. Mine frequently remind me what a date is supposed to contain.

End rant.

A few things I'll never understand... (The blog world edition)

I know. Ya'll thought I was so brilliant that there was NOTHING left that I didn't understand. Fear not, dearest readers, there are plenty of things in this world that make me tilt my pretty little strawberry blonde** head to one side and raise an eyebrow. Plus, people keep doing ridiculous things that continue to puzzle me. And lucky for ya'll, you get to read my innermost thoughts and wonderings via this snappy, snarky and stupendous blog. I know. You're excited.

* How everyone suddenly thinks they're a professional photographer: Yeah. You just have an extremely expensive camera that you barely know how to use. I will not be paying you an exorbitant amount of money for you to take substandard photos with techniques you learned from a tutorial on another armature photographer's blog.

* Why looking down and letting your hair fall in your face is now The Thing in pictures. Busy Bee Lauren can do it because she's awesome and has truly fantastic hair. She also includes quite a few pictures of her actual face in the post.

* Fashion blogs in general. I read a couple of fashion blogs. They're really fun sometimes. But just because you own a pair of skinny jeans and wear a belts in places that they don't traditionally belong does not mean that the whole world wants to know where you buy every single item of your clothing. (Disclaimer: I know I know. Just stop reading those blogs. But you know what? Sometimes they have really cute stuff on them. I just skip all of the freaking outfit posts.)

* DIY/Tutorials. Granted, there are some things that I would love to learn to do myself. I grew up with an incredibly crafty mom. The woman could make just about anything look like it was purchased at a store. But guess what? Not everyone has that talent. Sometimes things just look cheesy. I mean please. How many different things can you stick on a freaking headband?!

*Etsy. I love buying things off Etsy. In fact, I buy most of the presents I give people off Etsy. But let me tell you something: the entire world does not need their own Etsy store. About eleventy billion people already sell headbands/homemade rings/tutus/fudge/cookies/crochet iPod covers. Just make them for your friends and be happy about it.

*Vintage. Just because it's old doesn't mean that it's vintage. And for the record, I liked old things before it was cool.

Also. Don't be all offended by anything I said. This is just me ranting. And I'm not calling anyone out. So don't get your knickers in a twist.

** Don't worry. The strawberry part of that blonde is totally fake.

A few things I'll never understand...

It's been a while since "a few things I'll never understand" has made an appearance on my blog. After reading People.com today, I decided that it's time for a revival. Without further ado:

A few things I'll never understand:

*LADY GAGA. I'm pretty sure that wearing meat as a dress isn't a fashion statement, it's a health hazard. And completely disgusting. Also, it's not the 60s. Wear a bra. (Amanda love, don't be mad at me.)

*BEING FAMOUS FOR BEING FAMOUS. The Kardashians? Paris Hilton? They don't do anything to contribute to society. I mean fine, I'm sure they keep boosting the economy through spending exorbitant amounts of money, but aside from the mass amount of aerosol that is contributing to the deterioration of the ozone layer, they do nothing.*

*THE RANDOM ADDITION OF THE LETTER Z TO PHRASES: I mean pleaz. Doez thiz make senze to anyone elze?

*HOW I GOT THE PLAGUE IN JUNE. Seriously, tonsils? Are you kidding me?

*WHY I GET SUCH INSANE PLEASURE OUT OF SHREDDING PAPER AT WORK. Does this mean that I have anger issues? Should I be seeing a therapist about this? I'm a little concerned.

*ALL OF THE GAMES ON FACEBOOK. I don't care about your fish, your farm or your avatar.

*I might have made this up. Science? Not really my thing. I don't want anyone to correct my erroneous suppositions.

Don't freak... (day 11)

Now. This is "picture of something that makes you angry or sad". Please don't scream or throw things at your computer screen. It's just a picture, okay?

....scroll down when you're ready.

Ug. My eye is twitching just looking at this. 

(Don't go and get the idea that I'm some sort of major conservative. The woman just BUGS me.)

This Could Get Ugly...

Confession: 

I'm wildly jealous of girls who pull off cool like it ain't no thing. You know the kind of girls I mean. The ones that can do the whole messy hair, no make up, "Oh this top? I got it at a vintage store in New York/London. I'd almost forgotten I had it. I just threw it on. Honest, I didn't even think about it." These are the same kind of people who have a knack for finding the perfect stuff at vintage stores that no matter how hard I look I can't find and also seem to be able to make the most delightful looking meals and confections that are both tasty and good for you. They wear all sorts of crazy patterns all mashed together in one outfit, but instead of looking messy and uncoordinated, they look whimsical and stylish, where as when I try anything outside stripes or polka dots I look like a pioneer woman gone wrong (or worse, a polygamist wife.) These are the girls who can wear bows in their casually pulled back hair and not look like they're 5, which I envy because I look like I'm 12 even with my hair done and make-up; on add a bow and we're talking toddler.

Anyway...that was today's confession. 

Don't judge. 

So remember...

...how I kind of hate Twilight? And I make fun of it on a regular basis? Well I do. And no, Liz, I don't secretly love it. Though I do faithfully use my Jacob bookmark that you gave me for my birthday. But only for 2 reasons:

a) You gave it to me and I love you

2) Taylor Lautner is incredibly easy on the eyes (and I'm pretty sure he's 18 now so I can stop feeling like a child molester) 

Anyway. Today at work, Jinous (my fabulous friend who sits right behind me) showed me this and I almost died from laughing. It's amazing and I love it.

In other news, I met Meg from the wild and wily ways of a brunette bombshell on Saturday afternoon. What a fantastic new friend! We're basically kindred spirits and she's as wonderful in person as she is on...the computer screen (I can't say on paper...so in blog form? Who knows). If you haven't read her blog, do it. It'll make you happy. That's a promise.

Also. (Can you tell this is kind of a catch all post? I'm in one of my more scattered moods right now) I found a new favorite book. If you love Jane Austen and have not yet read Austenland by Shannon Hale, run, don't walk, RUN to your nearest bookstore and snatch up a copy. I giggled the whole way through. Shannon is simply charming. 

I'm currently taking book suggestions. I'm finishing The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society and then it's on to North and South by Elisabeth Gaskell (I watched the movie last night and it changed my life. We might have watched it 5 times. It's like heroine. Completely addicting). I have a few other random books that I've been wanting to read, but I'm always and forever up for suggestions. 

To Continue My Reality TV Rant..

So, I'm stuck at work tonight because there's a wedding (which I volunteered to work because I knew it would be gorgeous because this creative girl is the bride, and trust me, it lived up to my expectations. She's incredible!) and I've been watching reruns of The Bachelorette (because that's what I do when I'm working on Saturday nights). As I'm watching 25 guys fall all over themselves to date Ali, I am completely flummoxed at some of the things these guys say to Ali and to the camera. How can they know after 2 hours that they're in love with her? And what possess them to say things like "I think that I have the best personality in the house" and "(Insert name here) is definitely here for the wrong reasons. You can just tell" or my personal favorite, after 10 minutes of talking to her, "This is the girl that I want to marry". ARE YOU SERIOUS?! 

On what planet is that okay? 

It's like that moment in Twilight when Bella finds out that Edward has been watching her sleep. In the normal world, (like the one I happen to inhabit) a girl would find that absolutely creepy; but in the book? Bella falls all over him because it's supposed to be adorable. What is this world coming to? Maybe this is why I'm still single: I don't want a stalker who watches me sleep from the corner of my room or that says horribly creepy things to me within minutes of making my acquaintance. 

If that's the case? 

Bring on the single life.


(Also, I don't think it's fair that Ali got a private performance by Jamie Cullum. She probably didn't even know who he was before that episode. Such a waste!)

A Few Things I'll Never Understand...(The Catch-All Edition)

Why it's the high maintenance girls that always seem to have a boyfriend. I was talking with a friend last night and we decided that this is absolutely ludicrous. Trust me, buddy, when you're old it won't matter if she could walk in 4 inch heels. You will, however, appreciate a wife who is willing to watch football games with you. Just sayin'.

Twilight. Granted, I read it when I came home from my mission and subsequently went through my addiction phase, but that time has long passed. If I hear one more person compare Stephanie Myer to J.K. Rowling (or heaven forbid, Jane Austen) I'm going to throw up all over them.

The inability of some people to use Google.  On a regular basis, people call my office and ask me stupid questions. Typically, I can find an easy, simple answer for said questions by using the miracle of Google. If they would do the same thing, then they could save themselves a conversation with a sarcastic secretary.


Utah weather. Can it just be sunny, for heaven's sake? (Note: I said sunny. Not hot. I hate hot weather with a burning passion [ha ha ha...get it? Burning passion? I crack myself up.] I just want it to be sunny.)

People who refuse to look up big words. It's no secret that I absolutely adore big words. What I don't understand is when I use properly them in my daily life, why people refuse to look up their meaning and instead, insist on mocking me for their lack of vocabulary. Really, people? Have we returned to 4th grade? Or maybe you never left. How unfortunate.

My complete and utter obsession with Facebook. It's really not that exciting or entertaining, yet I am constantly playing around on it. 

Why I absolutely abhor certain words. Romantic (gag), ointment (puke) and couple (shudder) being some of them. My old roommate and dear friend Chels hates the words us and cuddle. I used to chase her around the apartment yelling them. I kinda miss doing that.

The way in which completely nonsensical things make me nervous. Like being set up on a date (actually I have an answer for that one and if you beg hard enough, I'll tell you the stories), or failing all of my classes. I'm a reasonably intelligent person, there is no way that I will completely fail all of my classes; yet it is one of the things that concerns me. I'm crazy, it's alright. I'm already aware of it.

A few things I'll never understand part 4... (i.e. the finals edition)

*8:00 am finals. Why in heaven's name do you think my brain will work correctly at that time in the morning?

*Finals that are scheduled for the LAST day at the LAST time possible. Really people?

*Having a paper, a project and a final all due on the same day. Do you really think that you're testing my ability to understand the subject material? There's no way that's going to happen when I'm cramming all of that into one day.

*People who just automatically think that they can join your study group, even though they have NOTHING to contribute and haven't been to class on a regular basis. That, my friends, is what we call a drain.

*The library charging for parking when I have to go study there at night. I already pay you thousands of dollars in tuition, don't you think that you could just let me park for free so I don't go broke?

*Comprehensive Finals. These are the most insane invention known to man. Especially when you already gave me a midterm to study for.

A few things I'll never understand Part 3... (ie the University of Utah edition)

*That when I got out of my car this morning on campus, the girl that got out of the car next to me was wearing a mini skirt...in the snow. Granted she was wearing tights, but still! I looked like the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man reincarnated and she looked like a super model. At least I was warm.

*That leads me to my next point. SNOW. In October. Don't get me wrong. I adore snow. I pray for it. But at least let me enjoy fall before you start to slush up the road and freeze me out. I need time to gear up for it.

*How when I'm taking notes in class and I'm not sure of the spelling, I sometimes expect a little red line to appear underneath the word, signifying that it's been spelled incorrectly. I blame this on being a product of the computer age.

*Why anyone would actually CHOOSE to smoke outside (I don't get why anyone would choose to smoke, inside or out either). I know it's the law and everything, but it's about 32 degrees outside. That cannot be pleasurable.

*Those annoying people who walk around campus and hand you stupid flyers about things like naked acapella (true story, I saw a flyer for it on Harvard campus when I was in high school) or a protest against vegans (that one I made up). No one really wants them. Don't waste your time out in the cold.

*Why afore mentioned people needed to be in the library yesterday, insisting on handing me stupid little cards about making $15 an hour when you know full well that there's a catch.

*In continuing with this particular part of my rant, I don't understand why the library floor on the 3rd story of the library must be made out of polished marble. As you well know, when polished marble is wet, it's slickery. This combined with my desire to get away from the annoying card handing out people and my no traction shoes lead me to slip and fall in front of the entire library. As a result, I have a bruise on my left knee the size of an orange. It's gross.

And last but not least,

*Why the boys that are currently studying anatomy behind me can't keep their voices down while attempting to memorize that parts of the prostate. I'm not even joking.

A few things I'll never understand Part 2....

Twitter. Why do I care what the heck a celebrity is doing? And why would they think we'd care?

Professors who don't check their email. Then why in heaven's name do you give us your email address?

People who don't like The Office. Are you serious? Really? Really?

How I think that I like all the songs on my iTunes, but when I listen to it on shuffle I skip every other song.

Really personal Facebook statuses. Like "I just broke up with my boyfriend and my life is over." Why would you want the whole world to know that?

When someone texts you and asks how you are, but when you respond they never write back. Don't waste my texts if you don't really care...

One word texts. Just don't write back!! 'K' is not worthy of the effort it takes to send. At least give me a sentence.

Professors that are bound and determined to give you a C. If you don't like teaching, DON'T DO IT.

Why every time there's an accident everyone and their dog has to slow down to look at it. Karlie and I have a finite system for this one. One of us drives, the other looks at what happened. Just another reason to carpool.

Talking loudly on the phone while other people are watching a movie or TV. Let me clue you in. THIS. IS RUDE. End of conversation.

More to come, I'm sure. :)

A few things I'll never understand...

*Girls who wear 4 inch heels to school. Our campus is built on a hill people!

*Girls who just bring a purse to school. Don't you take notes in class?

*People who never come to class. Why the freak do you pay thousands of dollars to attend school if you're not going to come?

*Skipping your midterm or final. Are you stupid?

*Controlling mothers of the bride. Is it your wedding? (This comes from watching way too many episodes of Say Yes to the Dress on TLC during a marathon).

*Chubby girls who wear strapless dresses. Friends, let me clue you in on something. This. Looks. Tacky. (Again, I blame Say Yes to the Dress for this one).

*Black and brown together. Just say NO.

*Calling people and then hanging up. This gets you no where and thanks to caller ID they know who's calling.

*Why some married people think they can't be friends with single people. We don't have leprosy or anything. At least not last time I checked. (This is not directed at ANY of my friends who read this blog, so don't take it personally.)

*Snotty people. Grow up, we left high school a while ago.

*People who don't shower. Ew, ew, ew, ew!! (Need I say more?)