Tellin' it like it is...

Here's the thing:

girls aren't as complicated as guys seem to think we are. 

For the most part, we just want life to be like a good Taylor Swift song or the end of a John Hughes movie. It's not that difficult. What it comes down to is this: we don't want to have to do all the work. I mean, please. We're already required to do our hair, put on makeup, smell good, and walk in heels without falling over. Most of us are even willing to be sparkling and witty as well as watching approved sporting events with you (no WWE wrestling for this girl though I'll happily sit through a Red Sox game or any college football game). For the deserving, I'd even be willing to make a sandwich. Hell, if I really like you, I'll make you dinner.

And what do we ask in return for all of this? A date. Not a lifetime commitment. Just a simple date. How is this concept so difficult to grasp? What? You're not sure if a girl likes you? ASK HER OUT. You don't know if you can hold a conversation with her for an entire date? ASK HER ON A WALK. You're poor? Let me tell you this: she doesn't care if you spend tons of money. Most girls just want to be asked out by a nice guy who will open their door for them when they get in the car.

 It's some sort of insane stereotype that girls automatically jump from a simple date to forever. Yeah, our minds work a mile a minute but we're not planning out eternity and we most definitely wait until at least the third date to pick out names for our kids (if you didn't catch the massive sarcasm there, you're in trouble). It's just part of our process.

Sometimes, things just don't work out. Sometimes you don't click. Sometimes you like her and she doesn't like you. Or vice versa. But how in heaven's name will you ever know if you don't go on a date?! Also? For the record? Hanging out does NOT count as a date. If you need clarification, ask your parents. Mine frequently remind me what a date is supposed to contain.

End rant.

"In ignorance, I await my own surprise."

How many of ya'll have seen Never Been Kissed? Can I get a raise of hands? *counts quickly* Good, good. It seems that my list of requirements to be my friend was widely circulated. I'm impressed. What you may not know is that it is (partly) the story of my life. Oh heavens! No! I'm not secretly married to Michael Vartan. And no, I'm not an undercover reporter (though I could probably easily pass for a high school student. I suppose that's a perk of having a baby face) for the Chicago Sun Times. Nor was I called Josie Grossy in high school (right, Amy, Aubie and Jess?) But much like Miss Josie Geller, I have never had:


"That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time."


I'm sure that you've surmised by now what I'm getting at: I've never been kissed. I know. Half of you are surprised. Another quarter of you seem to think that this makes sense. A third of you think I'm a prude. (Remember how I'm really good at math?!) And how ever many of you are left over, well, I'm sure you could really care less. If you fit into this category, please, feel free to cease and desist the reading of this post immediately. For those who remain, let me 'splain:  it's not because it's never been offered. And it's not because I'm a total prude. I swear. And it's not because I've never been with a guy that I actually wanted to kiss. It's mostly that, well, the guys that have offered haven't been the same guys that I actually wanted to allow into my bubble. Or it came at an epically wrong moment. And trust me when I say epically wrong; we're talking disastrously bad timing. I won't go into details. 


Whenever I've shared this tidbit of information with people, I get one of two responses: 
a) "That's SO cool. I wished that I'd waited to kiss someone."
b) "Are you kidding me?!" (insert face of complete astonishment here)
I don't like either one. Yes, I know that I am abnormal, but don't try to soothe what you assume to be my ruffled feathers by telling me that you think that it's so cool. It's not like I'm some amazingly virtuous person. And, no, I'm not kidding you. No, I don't need you to teach me how to flirt, I do that quite well on my own. Thank you, but I've waited this long, I'm not going to just kiss some random guy to get it over with, though I've most definitely thought about it.


I won't lie to you: I have my moments where this makes me feel utterly pathetic. I have others where I wish I could just know the future. But in the end, I always come to the same decision. I like surprises. I like not knowing when exciting things are going to happen. It makes each day an adventure. So, as Bones says, "In ignorance, I await my own surprise." 

Do ya'll remember this post? It's pretty entertaining, if I do say so myself. If you haven't read it, you should.  My want ad for a boyfriend? Wow, it sounds utterly pathetic when I write it that way. Don't judge me, please. I write about stuff like this because, let's be honest, it's great fodder for a blog and I get more comments when I do. I know. You now can see that I'm a shallow comment whore. I'm sure you'll get over this shock. Also, I'm a single, Mormon girl over the age of 16. It's bound to come up and I've accepted that. Most of the time. I still have my days, which I suppose is understandable. Anyway, the whole point of this post is that I found something else to add to my want ad: Someone who is willing to constantly build/put together bookshelves for the constant flow of new books that seem to find their way into my life. It's one addiction that I'm not willing to give up. 

"And you call yourself a Star Wars fan."

A friend of mine sent me this. And I love it. Because I'm that girl.

(Grocery Store | Austin, TX, USA)

(I was at work and I saw two girls from my college I knew as acquaintances, but not as much more than that. I had a crush on one of them as she was really pretty and seemed nice for the most part. I watched as she and her friend approached the register.)

My Crush: “No, you’re wrong! I’m telling you, he never said that!”

(I assumed they were gossiping about something until I listened a little more to the conversation.)

Her Friend: “No, he did! He totally did! We watched it last night, stupid!”

My Crush: “Obi-Wan never says, ‘I love you, Anakin’. The line is ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you!’.”

Her Friend: “No!”

My Crush: *turns to me* “Oh hey [my name]! What’s up?”

Me: “Not much. I’m good. And you’re right; Obi-Wan’s line was ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you’.”

My Crush: “Oh, my God, thank you!” *turns to her friend* “And you call yourself a Star Wars fan.”

(Her friend scowled, but they paid and said goodbye. I watched as they got to the automatic doors. Her friend pretendsed to use ‘The Force’ on them. Suddenly, my crush jumped in front of her.)

My Crush: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

(I walked over and asked her out. We got married a month ago.)

Fantastic, no? Thanks, J!

Wanted...

* Someone who doesn't mind that I throw empty water bottles at the television while my football team is playing poorly. And that I tend to yell advice to the coaches. This someone must also have random things that he does while watching sports so as to help us bond.

*Someone who is willing to eat whatever I am in the mood to cook because I stink at cooking for only one person.

*Someone who will dance in the kitchen with me in stocking feet while we sing off tune together like my parents did while I was growing up.

*Someone who will suffer through a ballet/play/opera/symphony performance because I love it.

*Someone who will attempt to get me to play video games and only kind of make fun of me when I end up killing myself or my teammates because I have terrible hand-eye coordination.

*Someone who will argue with me just for the sake of having a lively debate.

*Someone who has read some of the same books that I have. Having all that knowledge stored in my head is useless if I never get to talk about it with anyone.

*Someone who doesn't mind that I have a morbid fascination with crime shows but turn a lovely shade of teal if anyone mentions blood while I'm eating.

*Someone who leaves their socks on the floor so that I can put my obsessive cleaning tendencies to use on a more regular basis.

*Someone who understands (and will only judge a little) that sometimes I simply have to make up a word because there isn't one in a language that I speak which properly describes how I feel at that given moment.

*Someone who understands that I have a bubble eight miles thick and is willing to poke through it.

*Someone who isn't afraid to be grouchy or unreasonable around me because heaven knows that I will return the favor.

*Someone who doesn't mind teaching our kids math, because let's be honest: me + math = fear induced paralysis.

*Someone who doesn't mind if I, in a moment of absent mindedness, correct his grammar. Because it will happen.

*Someone who has a slightly crazy family.

*Someone who is as passionate about something as I am about teaching.

*Someone who can pick up on  my Star Wars quotes. The nerdiness runs deep in the veins.

*Someone who's already read Ender's Game so that he doesn't think that it's odd when I read it twice a year.

To Continue My Reality TV Rant..

So, I'm stuck at work tonight because there's a wedding (which I volunteered to work because I knew it would be gorgeous because this creative girl is the bride, and trust me, it lived up to my expectations. She's incredible!) and I've been watching reruns of The Bachelorette (because that's what I do when I'm working on Saturday nights). As I'm watching 25 guys fall all over themselves to date Ali, I am completely flummoxed at some of the things these guys say to Ali and to the camera. How can they know after 2 hours that they're in love with her? And what possess them to say things like "I think that I have the best personality in the house" and "(Insert name here) is definitely here for the wrong reasons. You can just tell" or my personal favorite, after 10 minutes of talking to her, "This is the girl that I want to marry". ARE YOU SERIOUS?! 

On what planet is that okay? 

It's like that moment in Twilight when Bella finds out that Edward has been watching her sleep. In the normal world, (like the one I happen to inhabit) a girl would find that absolutely creepy; but in the book? Bella falls all over him because it's supposed to be adorable. What is this world coming to? Maybe this is why I'm still single: I don't want a stalker who watches me sleep from the corner of my room or that says horribly creepy things to me within minutes of making my acquaintance. 

If that's the case? 

Bring on the single life.


(Also, I don't think it's fair that Ali got a private performance by Jamie Cullum. She probably didn't even know who he was before that episode. Such a waste!)

Sometimes...

...people say absolutely appallingly awkward things to me. It's true. Every time it happens, I file it away just in case I'm ever in need of an excellent anecdote or I'm out of ideas as to what to post on my blog. So, my dear readers, here are a few of them:

"It's okay. You'll make a really good step mom to someone's kids." (Said to me by a roommate who was trying to comfort me when I had my heart totally crushed a while back.)

"So, Mallorie, when are you going to get pregnant?" (No. I'm not kidding. This gem comes from my sister-in-law's baby shower.)

"So how come you're not married yet?" (Every single girl on the planet has been asked this question at least once. And every time it happens, I want to backhand the person because it's none of their dang business!!)

"In my day, only ugly girls who couldn't get married went on missions." (This from the mouth of my mission president. I do not jest. Said in the middle of Zone Conference no less.)

"Wow. Your legs are really really white." (Isn't my boss such a sweet person? It was even better when I told her to get used to it, they'd be this color all summer. Not for lack of trying, just lack of my skin's ability to be anything but glaringly white.)

"So how's married life?" (Said to me by a member of our home ward one day a couple months after I came home from my mission. Imagine the awkwardness which ensued when I had to explain that I was not or ever had been married.)

Those are just the few that I can think of right now. I'm sure that this list will inevitably grow the longer that I'm a) single, b) a girl and c) white as a ghost. If you're looking for an even better laugh, check this out. It makes me giggle every time.

A Few Things I'll Never Understand...(The Catch-All Edition)

Why it's the high maintenance girls that always seem to have a boyfriend. I was talking with a friend last night and we decided that this is absolutely ludicrous. Trust me, buddy, when you're old it won't matter if she could walk in 4 inch heels. You will, however, appreciate a wife who is willing to watch football games with you. Just sayin'.

Twilight. Granted, I read it when I came home from my mission and subsequently went through my addiction phase, but that time has long passed. If I hear one more person compare Stephanie Myer to J.K. Rowling (or heaven forbid, Jane Austen) I'm going to throw up all over them.

The inability of some people to use Google.  On a regular basis, people call my office and ask me stupid questions. Typically, I can find an easy, simple answer for said questions by using the miracle of Google. If they would do the same thing, then they could save themselves a conversation with a sarcastic secretary.


Utah weather. Can it just be sunny, for heaven's sake? (Note: I said sunny. Not hot. I hate hot weather with a burning passion [ha ha ha...get it? Burning passion? I crack myself up.] I just want it to be sunny.)

People who refuse to look up big words. It's no secret that I absolutely adore big words. What I don't understand is when I use properly them in my daily life, why people refuse to look up their meaning and instead, insist on mocking me for their lack of vocabulary. Really, people? Have we returned to 4th grade? Or maybe you never left. How unfortunate.

My complete and utter obsession with Facebook. It's really not that exciting or entertaining, yet I am constantly playing around on it. 

Why I absolutely abhor certain words. Romantic (gag), ointment (puke) and couple (shudder) being some of them. My old roommate and dear friend Chels hates the words us and cuddle. I used to chase her around the apartment yelling them. I kinda miss doing that.

The way in which completely nonsensical things make me nervous. Like being set up on a date (actually I have an answer for that one and if you beg hard enough, I'll tell you the stories), or failing all of my classes. I'm a reasonably intelligent person, there is no way that I will completely fail all of my classes; yet it is one of the things that concerns me. I'm crazy, it's alright. I'm already aware of it.

The Analogy of the Jeans...

So you all know my deep and abiding love for the Gap, right? This is a requirement to be my friend, so it's a good thing I told you about it. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I went and bought a new pair of jeans there and I adore them. I'm a jeans person all the way, so working in an office where I'm only allowed to wear jeans on Fridays is difficult for me. (I promise that all of this has a point and ties into my title. Just wait. It's coming.) Gap has my perfect jeans, which is hard to do because I'm short, a little curvy and picky.com about the way my jeans fit. 


Totally unrelated to the way jeans fit, but related to this post is the fact that one of my best friends, KMJ, just started dating someone. She and I are practically joined at the hip and thus this development in HER love life has lead the majority of the people that we both know to suggest that I also need a significant other of the male persuasion. Even her boyfriend, nice person that he is, suggested that we just find me a lover boy so that all of us can hang out together.


This is where all of the rambling will merge together. While talking to KMJ this morning, I suggested that finding a boyfriend was not like buying a pair of jeans at the Gap. I can always find jeans at Gap. Always. But when it comes to a boyfriend,  I can't just walk in to the store, pick out a nice looking young gentleman with just the right hair color and durability. I also cannot take the potential purchase into a room where he can be tested out (I was going to say tried on, but that sounded a little too...well you get the idea) to be sure he's what I want. Also missing from this experience is the part where I get to put the lovely purchase into my Gap bag and take it home to wear (or as I did with my last pair of Gap jeans, run into American Eagle, where I pretend to try on a shirt whilst actually taking off my ill fitting AE jeans and sliding into my lovely new Gap jeans). Because, unlike purchasing a pair of jean (which are an inanimate object), a boyfriend is an actual person with the ability to make decisions. KMJ suggested that I should start a boyfriend store, but that online dating is already kind of like that. I vehemently protested that online dating was like online shopping: slightly unsatisfying because you never know if the item actually fits AND there's something magical about walking into the store its self.  Just the smell of Gap calms me down. (Ditto with Nordstrom). Additionally, there's something satisfying about walking around all day and finally finding exactly what you were looking for. In any case, just like online shopping, online dating is incredibly slightly awkward and unpredictable. Much better to actually visit the store in person to try on 'jeans'.


 I'm thinking that this boyfriend store could make me some big bucks... Any boys want to be sold at the store? 

Taking One for the Team...

Settle in my friends, because I have a story for you. It is a tale of two best friends and the things that they'll do for one another. This is one of my very best friend's in the whole world, and there are very few things that I wouldn't do for her. This commitment was tested tonight in the following situation. Read.
      On my way home from work, I received a phone call from an incredibly chipper Ms. Jones wondering what my plans were for the evening. Having none, I was thus invited to join KMJ, a friend of hers and a friend of the friend's for a last minute date. I rarely say no to free dinner, and even though it went against my rule of not accepting a date when asked the same day, I figured that it was more important that KMJ get a little time in with this friend then for me to adhere to my afore mentioned rule. Anyway, the boys had a new bed for KMJ's apartment (she's been sleeping on a queen sized air mattress for 2 months...) and afterwards we were all going to go out to dinner. Pretty harmless, right? That's what I thought. Well, it turns out that this bed is a water bed, which is pretty cool because now bouncing on KMJ's bed while I'm bored at her house (the lack of TV leaves me agitated sometimes) is going to be much more entertaining. Well you see, dear readers, water beds have to be filled. This, apparently, takes hours. Unbeknownst to us. Turns out, the friend of the friend isn't... well, to put it kindly, isn't my type. Not that I'm looking for tall, dark and handsome (especially because I'm short, blond and talk too much) and I don't really have a set type, but I can tell you what it's not. It's not: a guy who turns everything into a dirty comment, doesn't listen to anything anyone else says but insists on making everyone listen to what he says, starts sentences but refuses to finish them so as to annoy everyone else around him, looks through all the stuff in my car (yes, friends, I ended up driving. My gas light was on, as KMJ is a freak about being on time and I was in a hurry to get there no gas was purchased, and he made mention of it more than once)... There's more but I highly doubt you really want to hear it all. I'm fairly sure that by the end of the night that the particularly chatty kid who sat next to me on Trax today during my lunch break knew more about my life than the human I'd spent the last 4 hours of my life with. On the upside, KMJ and friend had an excellent time. And the whole experience gave me something to blog about, so all in all, how could that turn out to be a bad thing? I submit that it is not!

A few reflections on single life in P-town...

As a disclaimer this post is not meant as an outlet for whining. As a rule, I don't whine. It's obnoxious and I get sick of myself very quickly when I do. This post is a compilation of my observations as quite possibly the only one of my close friends who does not have a significant other. Every spring it seems as though the magnetic forces of mating season suddenly leap into action, particularly in Utah Country. For the past month I have not received a single scrap of mail that was not a wedding announcement or bridal shower invitation. My refrigerator is covered in pictures of people that I know looking lovingly into each others eyes, surrounded by swirly writing. It's great don't get me wrong. I love that they're all in love. Really I do. I love walking through the mall and seeing the jewelry counters mobbed by eager looking girls and love sick guys. I adore strolling through the park and seeing the many couples (bleh, I can't believe that I just used that word...) cuddled up on blankets, whispering sweet nothings in each others ears. I look forward to attending each and everyone of my friend's wedding receptions (that part really is true. I love wedding receptions), but what I find particularly interesting is that when you are not attached to someone else you suddenly become invisible. Some couples are better about this than others, as in they refrain from whispering intimately to each other and sneaking little kisses (AS YOU SIT RIGHT NEXT TO THEM) there by completely forgetting that anyone else is in the room. Really people? Isn't that what the back seat of the car is for? I mean come on. We know that you're in love, and not one is begrudging you that. Congrats, your gold stars are on the way. But if you really want to be alone LEAVE YOUR FRIEND'S APARTMENT AND GO FOR A WALK. That's why walks were invented. To save your poor single friends from killing you. It is for your safety and well being to get up off the couch and go for a walk. Especially if you have taken over a friend's couch for your cuddle session. Okay rant over.